Growing older with RM's 'Indigo'
Described as "the last archive of my 20s", here's why the BTS rapper's words resonate
(Courtesy of BigHit Music)
I recently celebrated a birthday, which is why I think it’s appropriate to dive into RM’s debut feature length album, Indigo.
I often think about losing the final years of my 20s in the midst of the pandemic. And oddly enough, BTS has always been the group that makes me contemplate the changes in my life.
While Jin’s “The Astronaut” signalled a sign of growth, optimism and a new mission in life, RM’s Indigo instead represents the angst, loneliness and doubt that can often overwhelm us in our youth.
Many know RM as BTS’s leader, Kim Namjoon. As the member who speaks the most fluent English, RM is the one who’s always at the forefront, taking questions on behalf of his BTS bandmates. In many ways, he’s been the face and representative of the band when they are abroad. And yet, we rarely see him showing a crack of nervousness and fear, whether he’s speaking at the UN General Assembly or at the White House to raise awareness on anti-Asian hate crimes and violence.
Over the years, I have grown appreciative of him for being the backbone of his group. As one of the BTS’s main songwriters and producers, he’s been able to help the band catapult to the top with their ability to be vulnerable and tackle taboo topics including mental health, depression and coming of age in their lyrics and music.
But now as BTS transition into another path that includes military enlistment and solo endeavours, we’re also getting a view of some of the members’ vulnerabilities.
For RM in particular, I’ve always wondered how he’s been able to maintain composure amidst all the pressure of leading the biggest boy band in the world. I think about the loneliness of fame, the lack of privacy. Not to mention, xenophobia and racism in a white-dominated western music industry.
That’s why I was immediately taken by RM’s debut album Indigo when it was first released. We finally get let in to some of his deepest and darkest thoughts. He’s not just the stoic leader we saw him as. For an industry that strives for perfection, RM is not just a K-pop idol. He’s only human, like the rest of us.
Described as “the last archive of my twenties”, Indigo is part memoir and an exhibition that portrays RM’s prevailing thoughts.
The first part of his album focuses on his complicated relationship with his identity as an artist and human being. It literally begins with the words “Fuck the trendsetter, I’mma turn back the time” in a song called “Yun” featuring Erykah Badu. “I wanna be a human before I do some art,” he repeats, contemplating how you grow and move past what others are saying around you.
RM features archival audio of the painter Yun Hyongkeun (whose painting is the Indigo album cover). At the beginning of the song, Yun narrates: “According to Plato’s humanity, it’s the human essence to seek truth, goodness, and beauty. It’s the sincerity in truth, the moral goodness, and the beauty. But in my opinion, you have it all when you have the truth.” RM finds guidance through these words, and as a listener you’re meant to wonder about them as you go through the rest of the album.
“Still Life” feat Anderson .Paak follows the theme of “Yun”. This time, it’s about how the world sees RM.
“My life is like a canvas. I'm exhibiting my life to the whole world everywhere,” RM said in a recent interview about the song.
On the other hand, “All Day” feat Tablo, is a track that has RM and the Epik High rapper contemplating originality in a world that feels monotonous. Despite it all, RM’s message beyond those three songs is that he’s moving forward in his craft.
The story of Indigo takes a shift once we hit songs like “Lonely.”
“I’m fucking lonely,” RM sings. “Lonely” is a song he wrote in the hotel while BTS was performing in Las Vegas.
“I really do hate hotels a lot,” RM said about the song in a film released by BigHit Music. A lover of art, RM says a reason why he often goes to museums when he’s touring is because he wants to get away from being alone in his room.
As someone who was in Las Vegas to see BTS, it is sobering to me to realize I was feeling so joyful when RM was feeling homesick and lost. Who could have known all of that while standing in Allegiant Stadium watching the boys perform? RM was instead comforting fans that it would “not be the last time” we saw the group perform. He put his fans’ comfort first, before his own feelings. We truly don’t know what happens behind closed doors, and it’s humanizing to hear the other side.
RM’s biggest worries and frustrations come to a climax only when “Wildflower (with youjeen)” starts playing. The ballad hits hard because despite all the success and achievements he’s had, he wonders openly what he’s working towards. “When your dreams devour you, when you feel you’re not yourself all those times,” he raps.
“Wildflower” is RM baring all of his existential thoughts into the world, the kind of feelings one has when they’re at a pivotal point in life. He reveals he has unfulfilled desires, but still strives to be his true self. At the end of the album, his message is to not look back and strive forward.
As someone who often overthinks and underestimates what can be achieved over time, this was the song that resonated with me most.
(Courtesy of BigHit Music)
There’s lots one can interpret from RM’s Indigo, but to me it’s realizing that you aren’t behind or ahead in life. I relate HARD with the way RM feels. And it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who sometimes goes through existential quarter life thoughts.
I look back to my 20s and think about all the time spent on chasing career goals, only to realize I didn’t spend nearly enough time with my family and friends or travelling the world. And as I get older, the tough reality is not JUST realizing my time on this planet is finite, but so is everyone else around me that I love.
For RM to dig deep into his past and open up his fears and darkest thoughts is refreshing in the sense that everyone feels this way, no matter how successful or rich you are in life.
I needed to hear it, especially as my 31st birthday approached.
That’s because whatever stage you are in life, you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
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